Dear Mario.....Please, This Just Has to Stop.

Dear Mario,

As I sit here upon my ornately skull studded throne of pure silver, it dawns on me that perhaps my words are likely lost upon you.   Time and time again I've pleaded, beseeching you to renounce this foolish and shameful ploy to rekindle the long dead spark of romance that once existed between you and my dearest Peach.  But you do not listen, instead you show up, dressed as a raccoon or a frog or something similarly ridiculous and kill all of my turtles.  I do not like this.  Peach has told me that you have formed a very serious dependence on psychedelic mushrooms, to the point where you actually physically weaken when you're not tripping.

Mario, you have so many problems, why must you choose to exacerbate them with this hapless quest of yours?

Mario, you're a plumber who's only ambition in life is to keep running back to your failed marriage to 'rescue' my princess.  Although, I believe the legal definition would be 'kidnap.'    Honestly, how many castles can she lie to you about being in before you just take the hint.  I can understand how it would be difficult for any semblance of knowledge to pass through that titanium helmet you call a skull.  But seriously, even if your bones are that thick, the force is still being transmitted through your soft brain.  Mario, its a wonder if you've any undamaged brain cells left under that silly emblazoned cap of yours.

Peach and I are in love.  We sent so many cards, inviting you to the wedding, explaining the situation.  But imagine our dismay when we discovered that your home address is actually, 'down that green pipe over there.'

I promised Queen Peach (oh yeah, no longer a princess) to be civil and show some restraint, but I just can't.   You're not a good person, Mario.  You never were and it was silly to pretend that you could have been, you're just a plumber with freakishly thick head.  I still can't believe the stories she tells me about how you eat mushrooms in front of Toad.   That's messed up.  That's like eating chicken nuggets in front of a chicken. Except that the chickens are 100 percent aware of whats happening.  What happens when you run out of mushrooms, I wonder.  Are the mushroom people next.

Peach thought that the 'I'm in the next castle.' spiel would be enough to tire you out between doses, maybe you'd forget what you were doing and just go home instead, but no.  For some reason, beyond logic, you always manage to make it to me.  And then throw me into that ladderless pool of lava that I stand on and 'whisk' away your darling.  But its like....WHY?

I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a lot of lava in my castle, BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE STUFF.  You ever notice how, uhhhh, its everywhere? And stuff swim in it?  Like, I wouldn't just leave around a lethal chemical, you know?  What am I, the Wicked Witch of the West?

Look, the point is you need to go away, Mario.  This world, as well as 2-3 and 3-3 is moving too fast for you.  And all the coins, and cranial surgeries in the universe won't help you when I sit on your face with my big spiky shell.