Things That Games Could Do Without

I've written many different types of posts on here, trying to be all dynamic and post-modern cynical on everything in a somehow positive light. That's hard, and tiring. So this is me succumbing. Here's a bunch of things that games have that I fucking hate:



DUBSTEP.

Okay, look. I listen to my fair share of electronic music. And while I can astutely inform you that there exists of modicum of tunes that are way more than just "womp" noises and ultra-bass, that doesn't mean that those wompy abominations don't exist in a major way.  They're fucking annoying. And they're getting into my goddamned video games.

(gets old real fast)

Imagine a tasty steak plated before you, the decadent steam still rolling out of its porous goodness. Your mouth immediately fills up with saliva in anticipation when you slip the first piece into your mouth. It's amazing, all you hoped and more, you chew more feverishly, enjoying every single fiber of the meaty mouthful. You reach for another before you even swallow when all of a sudden you stop. What's that? Onion-infused hummus has started to ooze from your otherwise flawless steak. Grimacing, you muscle through, hoping that it's just that one piece that's tainted from the very core with the disgusting flavor. It's not, the more you eat, the more you notice that the shit flavor is becoming more and more prominent with each passing bite. Soon it's all you can taste, and you have to fight the urge to throw your silverware at the wall. You've reached a crossroads where you can either continue this disgusting endeavor in the interest of trying to enjoy the steak around its putrid interior, or giving up altogether and feeding it to the disinterested dog to whom everything tastes seemingly amazing. Even badger poop.

By the way, the dog in this scenario are the people who try to love every game. They're weird. But it's what I feel like when I hear dubstep tracks in my video games.  They're super repetitive and no one likes them.  Especially in FarCry 3 on the 'burn all the pot crops' level, because its really hard, you'll have to try at it a couple times, and the music is ALWAYS playing.  There's only so much Skrillex that the ears can handle before they shut down completely. Every now and then could we just get a little bit creative. Please? Take a cue from Nintendo's full-on orchestra soundtracks, gosh.


Characters that don't die, ever. 

Hey, I'm not dissing on immortality or anything. It's my #1 wished for super power, (not flying, we already have planes and jetpacks) but this is more of an injunction against unkillable side characters than the protagonist. I can only think of a couple games where your character is immortal and only one where they straight up can't die. The production company behind metal gear solid actually is making a game like that. Your character not only can't die, but can be dismembered, and patched up with the press of a few buttons. Giving the player the need to dice up in order to pass obstacles. Oh, and that game has Megadeth on the music. Now THAT'S an appropriate soundtrack.

(Game's called Neverdead)

If anyone's either old or dorky enough to remember Sonic 2, remember how hard it got? Well if you plugged in a second controller you could play as Tails.  Who's almost as fast as Sonic, can float long distance, and is deathproof.  He's invincible, he can drop his rings when he takes damage, or die when he falls off the screen, but he is instantly revived in some unseen two-tailed, sentient, flying fox factory somewhere off screen.  Also, if you played your cards right, you could've used him to simply float up above the level and run to safety.



Also, THIS is fucking stupid.  Some of them will just be 'unconscious.' Even if they take an arrow to the face.

(it's okay, they're just sleeping off the death)

Actually, okay.  That's kind of funny

Un-skippable cut scenes, or any scenes

I understand the need for cinematics, and lots of games deliver beyond anyone's expectations. The real issue comes with games like Metal Gear Solid 4, that boasts an unthinkable amount of unskippable cutscene time. Over 2/3 of the game. Granted that the one third of gameplay is completely fantastic. Or so I hear, I just know if you google MGS4 it's one of the first suggested search terms.
I paid for a game, not a movie.

And then there are some cutscenes that just kill small parts of you.

(Sonic 6 was a sin against humanity)

Bad Camera Controls

Nothing ruins a good game like not being able to tell what the hell is going on around you.  It could be the most extravagant graphics and story, but if you have to spend twenty seconds groaning while you try to make it possible to see ahead of you, you're going to have a bad time.  What's even worse is seeing an otherwise fun game getting totally ruined by a shitty camera.  Looking your way, GTA: San Andreas.